This is the charming way Glamour opens “What to Do With a Naked Man (That You Haven’t Thought of Before)” in the July issue:
We hate to be all “Here’s how to please your guy…” But if what would please you is to try a whole bunch of fun new tricks, what are we going to do, withhold the info? Hardly!
Yeah! Don’t blame Glamour for perpetuating the notion that a woman’s most direct route to personal fulfillment is to satisfy a man in the sack. They’re publishing these tepid true confessions and unimaginative sex tips because they know what you want.
Or because they had nothing else to run in this space. It’s not like those pages could have been used for ads. Or serious journalism. Or, you know, sex advice focused on your own pleasure.
But I’m sure Glamour has that planned for a future article, right? So, assuming you want to focus on satisfying your man, what wisdom do Glamour’s certified male experts have to offer?
1. Non-verbal cues to relay consent:
Your hand on his upper leg is pretty much the universal sign for “you’re getting some later.”
Excellent! There’s no way a potentially disastrous misunderstanding could result from that.
2. Revealing non sequiturs in personal anecdotes:
“I’m not violent at all, but this girl I used to date would throw me into place during sex.”
Right, see, her “throwing” you has nothing to do with you being violent. And probably nothing to do with her being violent, either. Your need to announce that you aren’t violent, however…
3. Off-handed misogyny about your body parts from a guy who is, ostensibly, interested in your body parts:
Above all, do not cup a man’s chest like he has boobs—especially if he has boobs.
There! Armed with all this knowledge, aren’t you inspired to sexually gratify a man? Maybe just not these men.