The cover of this year's edition says it's "the REAL September issue," as opposed to The September Issue. It's a differentiation that doesn't make much sense for most of us, since the movie's only opened in one city. But it just wouldn't be Vogue if it were accessible to everyone!
Before I begin the liveblog, the rules: I have not read any part of this issue—in fact, I haven't even opened it. I have not read any commentary from other blogs about this issue. All I've seen are the front and back covers. And I'll be blogging in real time—just refresh this post to see the latest.
On with the magazine!
10:01 a.m.: The cover. Charlize Theron looks…well, pretty much like she always does. (After last year's Keira Knightley monstrosity, that is high praise.) It also promises "smart splurges," which I'm guessing means stuff most people still can't afford. Now can I open this?
10:05 a.m. Ads! Giorgio Armani's channelling a goth Faye Dunaway in Bonnie and Clyde, Saks Fifth Avenue has a man holding a chair on his head (which is just further evidence that I will NEVER completely understand fashion), and Marion Cotillard's in a Lady Dior spread. Is that Catcher in the Rye in her bag?
10:08 a.m. Everyone in this Gucci ad looks like they're on drugs. And not in a good way.
10:09 a.m. There's a fully clothed woman and a naked man in the YSL ad. Progress?
10:10 a.m. The Fendi ad features spats. No. Just…no.
10:11 a.m. Models in the Dolce & Gabbana are wearing fluffy purple garments that most closely resemble the fuzzy costumes worn by amusement park characters. They're just screwing with us, right?
10:13 a.m. Prada. Thigh-high boots with straps that fasten around the waist. I want to stop reading already.
10:15 a.m. Bottega Veneta, Ports 1961, DVF, Anna Sui for Target (!!!), Marc Jacobs. Jacobs' model is wearing purple pleated pants that closely resemble a late-'80s pair of Z. Cavariccis. Why are these in style again?
10:18 a.m. That's right, I said "Z. Cavaricci."
10:19 a.m. Oscar de la Renta has fur, Nine West has leopard-print tights (WANT), Guess has really hideous torn jeans.
10:20 a.m. An ad for The September Issue! The celluloid one.
10:21 a.m. The model in the Nordstrom ad is carrying a Chanel bag whose width is greater than hers. And I don't think it's because the bag is abnormally large. She is tiny. I'm not sure she has a rib cage.
10:23 a.m. Page 112: Actual content! The table of contents, that is.
10:24 a.m. And already we have a contender for the most egregious story about how rough life is for the rich:
As her father made—and lost—millions in the market, Galt Niederhoffer learned the true measure of success.
And I'm sure it'll be a very valuable lesson for the rest of us.
10:28 a.m. Is that Madonna in these Louis Vuitton ads? Wow. Photoshop is incredible.
10:30 a.m. Hey, a huge fold-out for Gap! Looks like they're doing denim this season!
10:33 a.m. More contents! William Norwich takes Sylvana Soto-Ward to a fitting of "her dream dress," Vogue questions whether we'll wear black lipstick, and Jenny Sanford is wearing a really short dress. I guess no one told her about the whole Hillary Clinton-cleavage scandal.
10:37 a.m. Page 3 of contents. On page 426, we're getting schooled about the swine flu. Vogue is always on the cutting edge of trends in epidemiology.
10:40 a.m. Four pages of ads for Baby Phat. If you like t-shirts with sequined slogans and thigh-high metallic leopard print boots, this label is for you!
10:42 a.m. Okay, okay, the next three pages of Baby Phat were almost wearable. For someone.
10:43 a.m. Nicole Richie designed a collection for Pea in the Pod. Filing that away in the brain cells devoted to random celebrity trivia…
10:46 a.m. Still more contents. There you are, Plum Sykes!
10:49 a.m. Still more ads: Calvin Klein, Maxmara, Jimmy Choo, Express (?), and 4 pages of Payless, including Christian Siriano's collection. Quick, name another Project Runway winner.
10:51 a.m. Well, there was that guy with the neck tattoos…
10:52 a.m. Never mind! It's the "Letter from the Editor." Talk to me, Anna.
10:55 a.m. Anna's shilling for Fashion's Night Out, even though they're making her go all the way to Queens for it. Oh, and let's not forget the requisite justification for spending:
Fashion's Night Out is Vogue's response to the notion that in these challenging times, certain kinds of pleasure, such as shopping, are impermissible.
More likely for those of us who aren't Anna Wintour? Because of "these challenging times," shopping is impossible.
…this is exactly the moment to insist on the harmless (and in fact economically beneficial) joys of being out and about and open to inspiration.
Which is probably more likely to happen in a museum or even on the street than in a department store.
Stores are fun, even if you're not going to buy anything.
But not so much when you can't buy anything!
11:02 a.m. Anna's letter pauses for commercial messages from Ralph Lauren, a Balenciaga ad with what looks like Jennifer Connelly battling the swine flu, and Guiseppe Zanotti, who wants to sell us black boots with shiny multi-colored stars all over them. You were saying, Anna?
11:04 a.m. Per Anna Wintour, "pragmatic and accessible" = less than $500. I was right about that cover line!
11:05 a.m. Also:
Vogue has a responsibility to fly a visionary flag, now more than ever.
Indeed. We've all just been waiting for you to step up and lead us!
11:09 a.m. More Anna: Charlize Jenny Roger Hugh and so much hard work goes into this magazine! Turning the page now, quickly, because there's a fiull-page photo of Tom Ford and he is terminally creepy.
11:11 a.m. Still more ads. So far, they've been fairly evenly divided between bright colors/shiny/life is grand! overload and drab black-and-white. Something for every mood!
11:12 a.m. First fragrance samples, for D&G's La Lune and L'Imperatrice. I won't judge the scents. All I've smelled for days is wildfire smoke. But the ageless Naomi Campbell and Claudia Schiffer are in this ad. What's their deal? Embalming fluid baths? A pact with the devil? An exceptionally skiled retoucher?
11:17 a.m.: "Talking Back: Letters from Readers." The verdict? Everyone loves everything! Except Vogue's glorification of plastic surgery, ludicrous notions of affordable clothing, and continuous coverage of the Obamas.
11:20 a.m. William Norwich pens a remembrance of the late event designer Robert Isabell. Obligatory Norwich-reveals-his-privilege line: "…England in the summertime can be so many ordinary white party tents…"
11:25 a.m. "Contributors." Plum Sykes likes macaroons, Charlize Theron is like the New Mexico desert, and Grace Coddington says fashion people can be mean.
11:28 a.m. Have at last arrived at the story of the man who lost millions of dollars. I'm sure I can relate.
11:35 a.m. Representative quote from "Going for Broke":
[Mother] "You're going to have to get a job."
[Daughter] "But I have a job."
She sighed. "You're going to have to get one that pays."
11:37 a.m. Another quote:
For anyone who has lived through boom and bust times, one thing is abundantly clear: Money is fleeting. It is—we all know this intuitively—a hollow symbol. But it can reveal the kinks and strengths of our convictions.
Sure, money's a hollow symbol for those who have it! Not to take away from the author's accomplishments, but will Vogue ever print a story about someone who didn't have the advantages of wealth in the first place? I can dream.
11:43 a.m. "Real People," about Irving Penn. Funny thing: it's hard to snark on an article about a talented artist that's written in a more-or-less straightforward manner. Much easier when the writer clearly hates the subject. Or the readers.
11:47 a.m. Next up: a story about model Beverly Johnson. Proof Vogue is very open-minded about using models of color, as long as they can publish photos from 1974 and 1975. Middle-aged and non-white? The horror!
11:54 a.m. Beverly Johnson was the first African-American model to appear on the cover of Vogue. That was 35 years ago, and it's still a big deal to put a non-white woman on the cover of a magazine? Sometimes reading this magazine makes me genuinely disappointed in humanity.
12:01 p.m. Marion Cotillard in "Flash" on page 317—and, after Roger Federer, at least the second person to appear in both an ad and editorial in this issue. Coincidence?
12:04 p.m. Oh, excellent. Page 318: "William Norwich escorts Vogue's Sylvana Soto-Ward to the fitting of her dream dress."
12:05 p.m. Wait, it's about to get even more annoying! The dream dress is, natch, a wedding dress.
12:05 p.m. …a wedding dress being fitted by Vera Wang HERSELF.
12:05 p.m. And she's marrying a "private-equity whiz."
12:08 p.m. The article's only a few hundred words, but it's taking me forever to read because I KEEP STOPPING TO ROLL MY EYES. This is a parody, right? The Vonion?
12:10 p.m. I'm just going to have to quote the article directly.
There aren't many occasions when a healthy loss of a few pounds presents a problem in a woman's life, but today is one of those times… "But I always lose weight when I am excited," Sylvana says.
12:12 p.m. Here it is, the requisite mention of how recession-friendly these nuptials will be! They've hired a DJ instead of an orchestra for their 250 guests, they've planned for simple flowers, and—get this—"an August date instead of a coveted Saturday night in June." What a sacrifice!
12:14 p.m. Oh, about the money-saving? "I think connection, not cost, is the way to entertain now," says the bride. Which is why she retained Vera Wang to create an original design for her dress, Phillip Lim is doing the bridesmaid dresses, Rag & Bone is making the groom's suit, and the groomsmen's suits are J. Crew.
12:16 p.m. Tom Ford wants you to buy his brand of eyewear. He's communicated this by photographing a model wearing nothing but sunglasses and a pout. Still creepy!
12:18 p.m. An ad for Dennis Basso features Naomi Campbell in a fur coat. I haven't been keeping a precise tally, but this is approximately the 457th piece of fur I've seen so far. How many PETA protests does that equate to?
12:19 p.m. And PETA, if you are going to protest, can you do the cream pie thing again? It's far more satisfying to this observer than the usual red paint and runway-trespassing.
12:22 p.m. A Moncler ad with seven dogs. Seven! I have no idea what they're trying to sell me, but I do like pooches.
12:23 p.m. Four-page Roberto Cavalli ad. In a shocking—shocking!—departure for the designer, there's zebra print all over these pages.
12:25 p.m. Just what we needed—another fashion book that oh-so-helpfully shoves us into categories. In this case, Amanda Brooks' tome, featured on page 340, has six: classic, bohemian, minimal, high fashion, street, and eclectic. No explanation of what to do in the hideous circumstance your clothes don't match your personality.
12:29 p.m. "Night Fever"—a map of Fashion's Night Out events. Tory Burch designed a $350 limited-edition charm necklace just for this event. What's the over-under on the necklace including the "T" logo she puts on EVERYTHING? And Blake Lively will be joining Anna Wintour in Queens at Macy's. Can you imagine the conversation those two would have?
12:32 p.m. On second thought, there might not be much conversation. Anna Wintour will probably just slide on her oversized sunglasses and glare at some poor underling.
12:35 p.m. Mini-moo parties? (That's page 346.)
12:37 p.m. I actually googled "mini-moo parties," but then I realized that I just don't care. Next page: baggy pants!
12:38 p.m. Sienna Miller is sporting pleated harem pants that gather at the ankle. And they're WHITE. Vogue is recommending this? These pants are exactly what they've deemed unflattering for the last five years.
12:41 p.m. Now that I think about it, Sienna Miller shows up an awful lot in this magazine. Maybe she's the one who has the pact with the devil.
12:42 p.m. Blackmailing Wintour?
12:42 p.m. Dear Sienna Miller's lawyers: I am totally kidding.
12:44 p.m. Page 350 has a brief article about the Obama family's visit to Accra. That one reader is going to be pissed.
12:46 p.m. The word "shagreen" appears on page 350, and it's an actual word. You learn something new every day (but so rarely from this magazine).
12:47 p.m. Oh, yeah. "Life with Andre."
12:51 p.m. More Obama in "Life with Andre"! Somewhere, a Vogue reader is frothing at the mouth. Andre Leon Talley recounts Serena Williams meeting the president, and with a minimum of name-dropping and self-aggrandizement. It's almost boring.
12:56 p.m. Three hours in, and this seems as good a time as any to take a break. Liveblogging will resume in 30 minutes or so. See you then!
1:34 p.m. Break's over! For those of you following along at home, I'm on page 361.
1:36 p.m. Katie Holmes and stylist Jeanne Yang have launched a new clothing line, imaginatively named of Holmes & Yang. The collection includes a $2,650 motorcycle jacket and a $975 silk jumpsuit, so it may well supplant The Row as the extremely overpriced celebrity fashion line that EDITORS WILL NOT STOP TALKING ABOUT.
1:42 p.m. "Haute Home Economics"? Is that Vogue's nod to the recession?
1:44 p.m. Four pages of a Lanvin ad—the center spread features that old standby, the dead model, and two black cats. This ad is horrifying.
1:47 p.m. I keep thinking about those stories of cats eating their dead owners.
1:49 p.m. Did I mention I have a cat?
1:50 p.m. Okay, okay. Back to the article. Florence Kane is learning to sew! (And my laser-like focus on the narrative demonstrates just how scintillating her tale is.)
1:52 p.m. Actually, Kane's story "My Sew-Called Life" is a nutshell for why this magazine can't possibly speak to most women. Kane can't find any drapes that suit her refined tastes and considers making some herself—common enough. But her editor pooh-poohs the idea of making curtains, because it's not glamorous enough. So they call designer Jason Wu and enlist him to give Kane remedial sewing lessons. Kane's great moment of self-discovery comes when she realizes her YSL dress was hemmed in a Paris atelier with the exact same stitch Wu has just taught her.
I'm sure we've all had similar moments.
1:58 p.m. Here it is again: that chestnut about how spending money on fashion is an altruistic act of supporting the economy! From "High Point" on page 374:
A friend tried to buy a pair of Nicholas Kirkwood shoes in London this past February, her high-minded, not to mention high-heeled, snub to the world's economic woes.
"High-minded"? This must be another article that's supposed to be in The Vonion.
2:03 p.m. You heard it first in Vogue: harem pants with a matching jacket are this year's Juicy Couture tracksuit. Because, you know, we really needed a 2009 version of that.
2:07 p.m. Page 376 pays a visit to Phoebe Cates' New York shop, Blue Tree. "Five dollars to $5,000; that's the idea," says Cates. Which, in Vogue's eyes, makes it delightfully affordable.
2:10 p.m. In "E-Queen," a collar is described as "Miami Viced." I don't think I even need to tell you the problem there.
2:12 p.m. Another picture of Michelle Obama on page 386, this time wearing a scarf whose "less expensive version" sells for $395.
2:15 p.m. "Double Happiness" features clothes and accessories that can be worn two ways, like an $1,195 dress that unzips into a top, and a $1,785 Proenza Schouler bag that comes with a pouch for evening. Since they can be used two different ways, they're only half as unaffordable. Awesome!
2:18 p.m. There's an ad for the NBC series The Biggest Loser. I would pay money for a closed-circuit feed of Anna Wintour watching that show.
2:23 p.m. In "What Price Fashion?", writer Teri Agins talks to designers about how they're keeping quality high and costs low, discussing production, sourcing, and retailing. This NEVER happens, but I actually wish this article had been longer.
2:25 p.m. Though I'll temper my praise with this: as in the rest of the magazine, the prices mentioned as "reasonable" are still insane. In what universe is a $550 pair of pants a bargain?
2:26 p.m. No, really, what universe? Because I would like to move there.
2:28 p.m. Eva Mendes wears a $1,095 Stella McCartney dress that's organic and was produced using environmentally sensitive processes. The upshot: if you want your wardrobe to be eco-friendly, you have two choices—spend a lot of money for clothes like this, or don't buy anything at all!
2:33 p.m. Page 404 is a review of a new book that "asks—and answers—the eternal question: What is beauty?" A lofty goal, but don't expect a definitive answer: the book's content is culled entirely from the pages of Vogue.
2:39 p.m. I just read "Everything Goes," the subhead of which praised "the fall runways' fearless new homage to maquillage." Because it's so unexpected that runway shows would feature unusual makeup looks? Anyway, "makeup is back."
2:42 p.m. Pretty sure it didn't go away, but now we have to grapple with tough questions like the one presented on page 414, "Will you wear…black lipstick?" Oh no! Will I wear something hideously unflattering just for the sake of being fashionable?
2:45 p.m. Yeah, I don't care how "punk couture" it is. It's black lipstick.
2:47 p.m. "Hair Heroes." No awful hair trends here!
2:51 p.m. Do you care where Carla Bruni Sarkozy gets her hair cut? Me neither. Next page.
2:52 p.m. This ought to be good. From "High Stakes" on page 424: "The season's skyscraper heels call for a fitness strategy to survive the extra inches." And by "good," I mean "good for mocking."
2:55 p.m. The article presents evidence that high heels cause our knee joints to degenerate, shorten the Achilles tendon, and prevent the spine from aligning properly. And we're supposed to do special exercises to accommodate eight-inch heels instead of, you know, NOT WEARING SHOES THAT INJURE OUR BODIES?
3:01 p.m. Time for the swine flu article!
3:03 p.m. So far in "Year of the Pig": The CDC's operations center in Atlanta looks like the CTU set on 24, but with more Ikea. Are they planning to battle H1N1 with inexpensive Swedish furniture?
3:09 p.m. This article is lengthy. Here's a picture of my cat to enjoy while I finish reading it:
3:16 p.m. Okay, here's the deal on swine flu: You may well become ill. You will probably live. Oh, and by the way, managing this would be a lot easier if, says Vogue, we "fix our broken health-care system." They even acknowledge that the 45 million Americans without insurance are "less able" to see a doctor if they get sick. It's almost like this article doesn't belong in Vogue at all.
3:20 p.m. We now return to your regular programming. Four pages of stuff models like!
3:24 p.m. In summary: Chanel Iman says designer headbands are "investment-worthy," Catherine McNeil likes Chanel nail polish, Lily Donaldson advises removing your makeup at night, Karlie Kloss loves Skymall, and Isabeli Fontana warns you to wear sunscreen every day. I don't know about you, but I now have a completely different perspective on life.
3:26 p.m. But what's the deal with the perennial tip about washing your face before bed? I'm not objecting to the advice itself but the frequency with which it appears in magazines. Is there a law that requires publishing that in every issue of every women's magazine ever? Like we somehow wouldn't ever figure out the value of face-washing if they didn't drum it into us at every opportunity.
3:31 p.m. "People Are Talking About" the TV show Glee, bespoke stationery, a new Nick Hornby novel, and a renovated Marrakech hotel. But who cares? We've finally arrived at the fashion pictorials!
3:36 p.m. First up, "Into the Woods," wherein Natalia Vodianova wears crimson clothes and does battle with the Big Bad Wolf. It's reminsicent of W's 2007 spread "Into the Woods," but with fewer dead-model poses.
3:40 p.m. Also, can we talk about her hair? If Natalia Vodianova can't pull of a bird's nest of steel wool atop her head, no one can.
3:42 p.m. Must replenish caffeine levels in bloodstream. In just a moment, Charlize Theron!
3:44 p.m. Realization: I've looked at nothing all day except Vogue and Tweetdeck. If some major world event occurred, you'd tell me, right?
3:48 p.m. On to "The Indiscreet Charm of Charlize Theron." Indiscreet, eh? Please please please let there be something interesting in this article. If it's the usual pap about how beautiful she is, I'm going to fall asleep. Or vomit. Maybe both?
3:49 p.m. Well, here's an unusual caption for Vogue: "Theron pays tribute to Georgia O'Keeffe's fierce feminism with a polished dress and a classic white shirt, posing here in the artist's workspace at Ghost Ranch."
3:50 p.m. A "polished dress and a classic white shirt" are a tribute to feminism? Shut up, Vogue.
3:52 p.m. Actual Charlize Theron quote: "Stop it, you lesbians."
3:54 p.m. From the "Japanese-American" who "develops scripts" for Theron, on the teasing that takes place in their office: "We're like guys." Because, you know, women have no sense of humor. Only guys joke with each other! Okay, I'm going to keep reading and hopefully glean more clever insights about gender.
4:08 p.m. Is it really necessary for every single article about Charlize Theron to discuss her beauty as an impediment to being taken seriously as an actress? The pictures are lovely, though—great scenery, more-or-less wearable fashion. (You know, wearable if you're Charlize Theron.)
4:12 p.m. Ten pages of Charlize Theron at Georgia O'Keeffe's ranch. Four pages of Georgia O'Keeffe.
4:14 p.m. "Top Coats." Amazing coats (save that furry purple Alberta Ferretti that looks like a bathrobe even on the model), terrible hair. Don't think anyone's going to be adopting the horizontal frizz halo for fall.
4:17 p.m. "In the Mood"—heaps of gorgeous '40s-inspired clothes. Not terribly inspired settings. Also, this feature continues the fascination with mounting ludicrous things on the model's heads. There are giant bows, headpieces that incorporate gloves, and mountains of sausage curls.
4:21 p.m. A profile of the new conductor of the L.A. Philharmonic, a 28-year-old named Gustavo Dudamel. I have no comment on this other than to say that the same article probably could have been written about Esa-Pekka Salonen, the Phil's previous conductor, when he first came to L.A. which probably says more about the city than it does about either of these men.
4:25 p.m. Still more about Fashion's Night Out. The more they write about it, the less interested I am.
4:27 p.m. Your official Vogue-approved reasons to shop:
1. It's "the opportunity to express your sense of self and style…"
2. "If we don't shop, people lose their jobs."
3. "And it's pretty good for you: Finally, something new to wear!"
4:29 p.m. Tennis player Roger Federer is grappling with "a whole new challenge: fatherhood." Is it wrong that I just don't care?
4:30 p.m. Plum Sykes time! Bonus: this article involves John Taylor of Duran Duran.
4:35 p.m. "Country Couture" is the Sykes story about the English estate of Gela Nash-Taylor (Juicy Couture's creative director) and husband John Taylor. Nash-Taylor is the recipient of the World's Smallest Violin award:
Suddenly Gela looks at the clock and panics. It's already about half past seven. "This is the hard part of a house like this," she says. "You're running around, and you literally never have time to dress for dinner." With that, she zips along the passage to her dressing room, saying, ""This is a difficult house to wear heels in because all the floors are so slanty."
I'm sure that's all very comforting to Galt Niederhoffer now that her family's lost their fortune! (scroll way, way up this post)
4:41 p.m. The Jenny Sanford article! First shock: she socializes with "a self-described liberal who once worked for The Nation."
4:44 p.m. The Sanford article can be summarized thusly: lots of shock that he would do this, discussion of forgiveness, and approximately 20 mentions of God/religion/Catholicism.
4:49 p.m. Jeffrey Steingarten confesses that he doesn't understand the dynamics of the American bar. Then he goes on about it for three pages. At this point in the day, he could have written three pages about how awesome I am, and I still wouldn't want to read it.
4:52 p.m. Three pages to say that you can get in without a reservation and get food and drinks more quickly when you sit at a restaurant bar? Is Vogue's audience that rareified or is the editor that approved this story that out of touch?
4:55 p.m. Hugh Jackman. Sigh.
4:56 p.m. A short profile of model Karlie Kloss. Most notable fact about this story: even the author admits "there's something a little kooky about subjecting a junior at a public high school to biographical inquiry." But juniors at private high schools are so much more noteworthy!
4:59 p.m. Also, Kloss refers to herself as "five-twelve" instead of "six feet." That will stop being cute as soon as she stops being 17.
5:02 p.m. Another fashion spread, "Take Cover." Are you into thigh-high boots and furry vests? Do you think fencing masks and fishing nets go well with $2,250 Rick Owens boots? If so, you'll love this. Otherwise, you will likely find it deeply annoying.
5:04 p.m. Another "Shut up, Vogue" moment on page 560, about designer Christopher Kane's Topshop collection:
Here, Kane's embellished t-shirt is only $90.
Yes, Vogue, that $310 cardigan is "delightfully inexpensive"! Are they trying to start a class war?
5:06 p.m. More fashion: "String Suits." Boucle aficionados, rejoice. Your beloved bumpy fabric is in for fall. But can we all agree that the boxy yellow-green jacket on page 567 should never see the light of day?
5:08 p.m. This month's "Index" features "100 under $500." But an awful lot of items over $400, which kind of dampens the sentiment.
5:10 p.m. This is just insulting. $495 coin purses, a $495 lipstick case, a $475 flower urn, and a $497 Vogue-edition blanket? Way to put your finger on the pulse, Vogue. Just when I thought your self-adulation about being budget-conscious couldn't be any more off-putting, you're proved me wrong! Bravo!
5:15 p.m. "Last Look"! Which is the last page of the magazine! Hooray!
5:16 p.m. So I should probably mention what's on that page, right?
5:17 p.m. Okay: they are the world's most worthless shoes. For the bargain price of $1,595, you can own a pair of Manolo Blahnik lizard-skin ankle booties. They come with a high heel, open toe, cotton laces, and—wait for it—a lug sole. A LUG SOLE. Never mind that these are truly ill-conceived shoes. Where could you wear these? They aren't appropriate for anywhere. Or anyone. At any time.
5:21 p.m. A Michael Kors ad and…the back cover! Seven hours and twenty minutes after I began, I'm done. Done! I've been drinking diet soda all day, but I think it's time to switch to wine. Thanks for reading, everyone. If you enjoyed this, or if you think I'm a foolish masochist, tell a friend! I'll see you in a few days.