We Read It So You Don’t Have To: Spilling the Secrets of Cosmopolitan‘s Cover Lines

Sexy sex with him? Sexier sex clothes! Hair sex fashion sex naked sexy sex. To my admittedly biased eye, that’s what the cover lines of Cosmopolitan look like every single month. Each new issue kicks off an Cosmo_september_blake_lively_2
anxious inner monologue: Didn’t they promote those exact same stories last month? Why can’t they find a synonym for “sexy”? What is that one thing he wishes I knew about his body? Um, is anyone going to see me buying this? Better pick up a newspaper, too. See, newsstand guy, I’m smart!
I’m just inordinately interested in shoving my cleavage up to my collarbone and finding out what’s really on his mind.

It would save me an awful lot of newsstand dithering if there were a quick, easy way to divine the solutions to the oh-so-important (and sexy!) dilemmas posed on the cover. So, in the interest of providing this valuable public service, I bought the September issue and read the articles highlighted on the cover to find the answers. Spoiler alert!

100 Sex Truths: Short and Sweet Answers to Burning Sex Questions. Put ‘Em To Use Tonight

If you can get through this Q-and-A without snorting in derision, you’re way more mature than I am. With its 20-words-or-less answers, this article reads like the transcript of an X-rated game show’s lightning round. For instance:

I’m dating a bad kisser. Does that mean he’ll totally suck in the sack?

Maybe

Also, I’m issuing demerits for lack of imagination (or junior-high gleefulness) about the topic covered in question 69. Don’t make me explain.

His Girlfriend Wish List: Do You Have These 9 Surprising Traits?

The only thing surprising about this list is that “a hot bod” isn’t on it. Otherwise, it’s the usual: you know, be cool to his friends, ignore his flaws, don’t break into his email account and flag messages from his friends as spam.

Sexier Hair: All New Looks!

Hey, Cosmo? An article called “Sex Up Your Style” probably shouldn’t contain the sentence “They’re so easy, it’s ridiculous.” People might get the wrong idea. Just saying.

What He Thinks When You’re Butt Naked Besides Yes!

If I learned one thing from this article, it’s that men have Sherlock Holmes-level observational skills. For instance, in just one romantic romp, a man will notice subtle details like whether you invited him to your home. If he’s a real master of perception, he might also suss out that you’re running your fingernails down his back and that you’ve remained partially clothed during the interlude. Sharp!

Blake Lively: How She Snagged Fame and Happiness

Wouldn’t you be happy if you were a 5’10” television star with an equally hot and famous boyfriend and the ability to down three desserts in a single meeting with a Cosmo reporter? Yeah.

Guys Voted: The Sex Position They Lust For

Drum roll, please! The winner, voted the “sexiest position of all” in a Cosmo poll, is, in the words of the mag… “getting busy against a wall.” Whether or not it’s sexy, it’s certainly complex: this issue offers two full pages of tips and explanations. Gotta justify that $4.29 cover price somehow!

Fall Fashion Under $50-$75-$100

Indeed! An $88 white cotton tank top does qualify as fashion under $100.

Jeans Too Tight? This Trick Banishes Bloat in One Day

Cosmopolitan is on the forefront of medical research, revealing in this exclusive report that drinking several glasses of water in one day is a surefire way to rid your body of excess fluid so you can squeeze into your True Religions. Apparently, water is a clear, calorie-free liquid substance that the human body requires on a daily basis. Who knew?

I’m hoping Cosmo uses a cover line like “Why You Still Buy This Magazine Despite Its Overbearing Focus on Pleasing Men and Its Continued Inability to Offer Intelligent Discourse” soon. If they can shed some light on that mystery, I’ll buy that issue without a second of hesitation.

9 thoughts on “We Read It So You Don’t Have To: Spilling the Secrets of Cosmopolitan‘s Cover Lines

  1. During my cosmo reading days in the 90′s I happened upon my mom’s old collection of cosmo mags from the 70′s. Wow not much originality there. The articles were pretty much exactly the same.

    I figure if you read 1 year’s worth of issues then that’s all you need. If you need to read endless articles on how to be sexy for a man that is.

  2. I have friends that read this rag… they read it cover to cover only looking up to see where the sun is so that they can move their chair to a the perfect tanning angle. I still accept pool party invites from these ladies.

    I feel like a pool whore…

  3. I vividly remember reading Cosmo cover to cover: I was 13, at boarding school, and still thought that knee socks were cool and George Michael was straight.

    One of us has moved on…

  4. Jen: It’s the same advice repackaged every month. Which I think means I was only supposed to buy it once. My mom, too, had a stack of Cosmos around the house when I was growing up–she claims the mag was different then, but it was the same dresses slit to the navel and sex-obsessed articles.

    Athena and Hector: Thanks!

    Freddy: Guess Cosmo didn’t survey you for that story, huh?

    Sugar: Nah, Cosmo’s perfect pool reading. I think it would be deeply satisfying to fling an issue into the deep end.

    Erika: Yeah, it’s pretty clear Cosmo’s target audience is very young. This issue also has a guide to going away to college.

  5. @Jen: A whole year? You’ve got way more patience than I do.

    I wish I had something sharp and witty to say about this, but it’s Cosmo. It’s not worth the effort, is it?

    Also, I thought it was “buck naked”, not “butt naked”. Or… oh, were they trying to make a pun?

  6. “I’m hoping Cosmo uses a cover line like “Why You Still Buy This Magazine Despite Its Overbearing Focus on Pleasing Men and Its Continued Inability to Offer Intelligent Discourse” soon. If they can shed some light on that mystery, I’ll buy that issue without a second of hesitation.”- hhahahaa I frikking love it!

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