Continuing their long-standing commitment to improving women’s lives, the July issue of Cosmopolitan
turns its attention to an under-served segment of the population and their unique needs. Illuminating the serious challenges women face when they attempt to bag a wealthy man, the magazine has put together a field guide of sorts to the modern sugar daddy. Material girls unite! Cosmo’s “Fascinating Facts About Rich Guys” is just for you!
There’s just one problem with the article (besides, you know, the concept). Executive summary: there’s nothing here that’s even remotely fascinating, with the exception of the picture they chose to illustrate the epitome of a good catch. Blue eyes, a freshly pressed shirt, cash spilling out of his wallet. Subtle!
So, how much money does a millionaire carry around? Let’s take a close look.
I know Cosmo’s readership skews young, but seriously? $40? Aim for the stars, kids! If you’re going to identify as a gold-digger, at least have some standards.
Speaking of low standards, the magazine advises you start seeking Daddy Warbucks early. Apparently, it’s never too soon to start looking for a man with cash.
Boys over 31.5 inches at age 1 earn 50 percent more by middle age than shorter tykes.
So your future meal ticket could be in diapers right now! Who wouldn’t be turned on by that thought?
Among the other results of Cosmo’s Woodward-and-Bernstein-level investigative reporting detailed in the article:
—Men often earn millions by founding massively popular web-based ventures like, oh, Facebook. You don’t say!
—Wealthy men stay at luxury hotels when they travel! Also, they like steak!
—The San Francisco Bay Area is a hotbed of wealthy single men. Which makes sense, if they’re making their money on the web.
—They know when you’re only out for cash! So, you probably don’t want to read this article in front of any potential targets.
—Wealthy men buy porn online. Which makes them decidedly different from every other man.
—Millionaires want a woman who is both smart and beautiful. Their money entitles them to have it all!
—Sixty-two percent of the worlds’ billionaires have brunette wives and girlfriends. But don’t despair, blondes! The disparity might exist solely because there are more dark-haired women! Oh, thank god someone commissioned that study. My life as a brown-haired woman is certainly improved by that knowledge.
—And they buy Polo and Calvin Klein and a host of other costly clothing labels. The implication here: if you play those men right, they’ll buy those same brand names for you, too! After all, what else would you want from a man except an infinite credit limit?
Oddly enough, a mere 11 pages earlier, Cosmo lists “a ton of cash and luxe stuff” in the article “Things You Think Will Make You Happy…But Won’t.” But that piece discusses earning money for yourself! Who needs personal success? Snagging a man who gives you cash and luxe stuff is clearly the bigger accomplishment.