Self: A Gay Man Deceives His Wife, Redoes Household Decor

Sure, we expect bitterness from a woman whose husband married her in a desperate attempt to quash his
gayness. But we were bewildered by Self’s “I Married a Gay Man” (February). Near the end of the essay, the anonymous author describes the situation now that she and her ex, Chris, have both settled into new relationships.Self_feb08_eva_longoria

My relationship with Chris is as good as it can possibly be, given the circumstances. We do birthday parties and some holidays together, and he and his male partner live in—and have redecorated—our former house… [bolding ours]

Redecorated? Really? He redecorated? Did he give her a makeover, too?

For an article that is at least ostensibly about forgiveness and acceptance, we found that to be a strange detail to throw in. But then, we’ve never been married to a gay man, so what do we know? Apparently, we’ve dodged a bullet. Check out this statistic quoted in the article which, conveniently, the author managed to twist to illustrate that, OMG, gay men marrying straight women is an imminent plague upon our society.

…research done by
University of Chicago sociologist Edward Laumann, Ph.D., estimated that
between 1.5 million and 2.9 million American women who have ever been
married had a husband who had had sex with another man. That means
there are a large number of women who have no idea what their husband
does in secret.

Seriously, we’re finding the presentation of this statistic a bit dicey. Women who have ever been married? A husband who had
had sex with another man? That doesn’t necessarily equate to a husband
who’s sneaking around on his wife with other men; it applies equally to
a married man who, say, had an experimental phase at some point, or a divorced woman whose ex was bisexual, or any number of permutations.

And anyway, there probably aren’t any statistics to back this up, but what husbands do in secret is more likely to involve online poker and reading their wives’ back issues of Cosmo than illicit gay sex. (Hi, honey!) Though, to be sure, Anonymous includes a damning admission of that, too, after she confronts him with her newly diagnosed case of chlamydia:

He had been having anonymous sex with men. “I don’t know how this could
have happened,” he stammered. “It’s nobody that I knew…it was mostly
oral sex…it just happened…. At gay bars, there are back rooms with
holes in the walls….”

And when he did have relations with his unsuspecting wife, it was just like that scene in Brokeback Mountain between Ennis and Alma. It made her “very emotional,” watching that movie.

So what’s a girl to do? Is there any way our plucky heroine could have seen this coming? Or is being married to a gay man a fate that could befall most any woman?


Early in our relationship, Chris told me he’d had homosexual experiences as a teenager but assured me it was youthful curiosity.


Two unusual things happened on our first date. After we watched the movie Romancing the Stone, Chris said, “I think I could marry you”…Then, after he kissed me good-night, he shocked me again, saying, “No matter what you hear, I’m not gay.” In fact, I had heard other students say that everyone in his fraternity was gay.

That answers that, at least. If this article is to be believed, foresight is more rare than a man who’ll redecorate the house.

4 thoughts on “Self: A Gay Man Deceives His Wife, Redoes Household Decor

  1. I haven’t read the article, not a big fan of the mag, but this woman’s story is eerily similar to my own. I too was very naieve about homosexuality, and believed my ex when he said he was no longer that way. Then he cheated on me more times than I can count. Even after our daughter was born. He left when she was three. I am still working out the emotional fallout 15 years later- it affected me, her and him. If I was wiser when I was 23, my life would be completely different. Advice? Listen to your gaydar if you have one, if you don’t- learn how to turn it on. It is very hard for anyone to “change” who is gay. Trust me.

  2. Hey Glossed Over, do you remember that ridiculously awful article in Cosmopolitan “Could Your Man Be Gay? The Foolproof Sign.” This Self article made me think of it. Cosmo said the biggest tip-offs were: “he gets off on male-on-male porn,” “he hooked up with a dude when he was younger,” “he’ll frequently avoid foreplay that involves touching his partner’s vagina,” “they hang out in gay bars,” or “brag about getting hit on by another male– right or wrong, most straight men get too freaked out to dwell on that.” Oh! and “Gay men do have gaydar.” I’ve read some horrific Cosmo articles, but this was the one that made me realize I couldn’t take anymore, and I haven’t bought it since.

  3. Eek. Bad thoughts. Currently working things out with my old boyfriend, who makes me nervous with the homosexuality. I know of no homosexual experiences, watching male porn, etc, and he seems quite into my female areas and all, but the constant complimenting of men’s appearances has made more friends than myself suspicious. Besides that, I don’t FEEL like he’s gay – but I’m still terrified that we’ll work things out, get married, have two kids, and then I’ll find out he’s been cheating on me with his best friend Fred. Yikes. I tend to like somewhat feminine/sensitive guys, so this freaks me the heck out.

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